I am a cowboy in every conceivable way

I'm a cowboy through and through, it's true.
I'm tough and rugged, and I ride a trusty steed.
I drink my coffee black and fire-boiled,
And I carry on my back everything I need.

Well...by rugged I mean chubby,
And by black I mean hazelnut mocha w/ foam.
And by steed I mean pickup, and sometimes bus,
And by carry I mean I have stuff at home.

But in several ways I really am like a cowboy:
I help damsels in distress all the time.
I'm always on the lookout for rustlers,
I'm like a western knight fighting crime.

Well...by damsel I mean cute ladies,
And by distress I mean short skirt.
And by help I guess I mean "whistle at,"
And by rustlers I guess I mean butts oh so pert.

But no really, I am cowboy, I am I swear.
I herd cattle, and I chew tobaccy, and I spit.
Well, by herd I mean watch and by cattle I mean American Idol,
And by chew tobaccy I mean drink too much and by spit I mean just mostly sit.

I guess by cowboy I mean lazy worthless jackass,
And by just like I mean just AM.
The problem is that cowboys stand for things like values,
While my personal morals are basically a traffic jam.

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